Return Of The Porcupine Egg
by CurlyRedToothpaste
Summary: The doorbell rings. I open the door ... “GAAAAAAH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE AGAIN! Now now, is that how you greet your adorable big brother, who is home for the holidays, Sasuke you little runt? Rated K for slight swearing
1. The Arrival of Itachi

DISCLAIMER: 'Naruto' is not mine, that happy honour belongs to Kishimoto Masashi!

OK, I am submitting this for the second time, since it got removed for some reason …

* * *

Chapter One: The Arrival of Itachi

Don't ask me what I'm doing. I am crouched down in the garden, looking at the grass.

"Ooh! Ants," I am smiling like an idiot and poking at an ant.

I think I drank too much of that stuff. Well it's all his fault.

Let me explain …

I was – _innocently _– sitting on the couch, drawing.

Then the doorbell rings.

_Now who can that be_, I think to myself as I get up off the cosy couch and go to answer the door.

I open the door.

"GAAAAAAH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE AGAIN, YOU BASTARD!"

(The Bastard clicks his tongue in a super annoying way)

"And is that how you greet your family, you little runt? Well, you need to learn some manners, don't you? Tsk-tsk-tsk." The guy sounds as if he's talking to a toddler.

I am speechless. My face is most probably going red. My eyes are slits. My teeth are clenched.

"Get out."

"No."

"Yes!"

"No."

"YES!"

"NO."

"After what you did?"

A blank bewildered look. "Huh? What'd I do?"

Teeth clenched. I mutter indistinctly. "To my Poopsie Woodle …"

_Uchiha Itachi_ grins.

"Ah yes, I remember that very well." Begins reminiscing …

_Sasuke is four years old. He had just returned from __Pre__School__, and has opened the door. Itachi comes skittering up, grinning all over his face and humming. _

_"Hello Sasuke! How are ya?" He whips Sasuke's jacket off, throws it over the hook and starts leading Sasuke down the corridor. "Well, little friend, I have made a special cake for you! It smells REALLY YUM! And it's just for YOU!"_

_Itachi scowls to himself. How dare the twerp draw Telly Tubbies all over my latest copy of 'Akatsuki in the Moonlight'! He knows I love them so much! REVENGE AT LAST LITTLE FRIEND!_

_He teeters to the hall, pulls out Sasuke's chair and with a swoop of his hand invites him to sit after piling four cushions on top. He tied the bib around Sasuke's neck, and then hurriedly retrieved the cake from the bench._

_"Close your eyes!" Itachi calls in a singsong voice._

_Sasuke covered his eyes with his chubby fingers. Itachi sets the golden cake down in front of Sasuke, smiling horrendously._

_"Open!"_

_Sasuke opens his eyes and stares at the giant cake. Itachi chuckles to himself._

_Sasuke's eyes begin to sparkle. His mouth starts watering._

_"YAY!"_

_He bites a chunk out of the cake. There is a tremendous crack. _

_"YOW!" _

_Sasuke spits out the mouthful, and examines the hard object in his hand. It was a little toy hand._

_"Oh," Itachi grins. "It's just like a Christmas cake. There are in-ter-est-ing things in the cakey-wakey."_

_Sasuke blinks at the object. "I've seen this somewhere!" He squeaks. Then he shrugs and continues._

_After a little while Sasuke has unmasked an arm, leg, cushiony neck, a band full of hair, and an eyeball. Like he said, he'd seen it somewhere._

_He sees another object sticking out of the creamy golden background. He yanks it out with his chubby fingers._

_It was a toy's head. _

_"YAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"_

_Itachi steps back, grinning._

_Sasuke starts crying._

_"You killed my Poopsie Woodle! I'm dobbing!"_

_He starts yelling and screaming and pounding the table. _

_Oops, Itachi raised his eyebrows. It wasn't meant to turn out like this. _

_"Now, you – yes, YOU – have been a very naughty little boy haven't you? Mmmm? Now, tell Big Brother what you were doing to his Akatsuki book."_

_Sasuke rubs his eyes, looks up at Itachi, slips out of the chair and kicks him in the shins._

_"BAD BOY!"__ He shrills. Itachi winces in pain, sinking backwards slightly, his leg throbbing._

_"BAD BOY!__ BAD BAD BAD BAD ITACHI!"_

_"Sasuke!__ Now stop! Yowwww! That hurts! Now if little Sasuke doesn't stop hitting then the Big Green Mean Itachi will murder Poopsie Woodle's Pet-Purry Furry Poopit!"_

_Sasuke immediately stops._

_"I'll be a god boy," He squeaks to Itachi. "I promise I'll be VEEEEERRRYYYY good! Let's be friends now!" _

_Itachi grins evilly. That runt better keep his promise, he thought, or guess who'll be in the cake next time? _

Itachi grinned to himself. _Oh, that was excellent_, he thought. _For the rest of that month I got the brat to do whatever I wanted just by bribing. Ahhhh, I only had to relax_.

I stared at the dreaming idiot.

"I'll give you till three to get out of the bloody doorway. One, Two-"

He sticks his nose in the air, lugs his suitcase probably overflowing with Akatsuki banners and flags (and really heavy things) at me, knocking me flat against the door, and stomps down the hall. I am practically dying. I've got a sharp pain in my gut, and my eyes are watering big time.

"Shit!"

Gosh, how strong is this guy anyway?

I stood there, doubled over in pain, for what seems like 10 years until I could stand up properly. Then I stood there, thinking about what that jerk was doing to my house. I staggered down the corridor following his footprints on the timber floor, one hand clutching my stomach, the other dragging his suitcase.

_Holy God dammit_, I thought furiously. _This jerk is SO not going to stay in my house. If he does he's paying for everything. Plus whatever he's broken already. Or will in the next couple of minutes …_

CRASH!

I shouldn't have _thought _too soon.

The jerk's upstairs already?

I drop the suitcase and bound up the stairs two at a time. I reach the top and pause. Everything is really quiet. That damn jerk is in hiding …

"Hey you, Itachi! I swear man, if you don't come out, you coward, I'll-"

At that very moment there was a sound of shattering glass somewhere on my left. It gave me such a shock I nearly fell back down the stairs. I held the railing for support, my heart thudding. Then I bolted towards the sound.

I peeked in every room, searching for a giant mess anywhere. For about a couple of seconds I was ducking in and out of rooms, my heart racing. That guy better not have done anything. If he had-

I'd just reached my room.

And I gasped.

The balcony glass had smashed; glass was lying around the billowing white curtains, glittering.

I just stood there, staring.

Suddenly I had an idea.

I hurried over to the balcony. Was the guy trying to kill himself or something?

I carefully dodged the glass, and stared out at the garden. There was no sign of life down there, anyhow. It was a rather creepy silence, like I didn't know where he was hiding. I retreated back to the opening of the balcony, being careful not to stomp on the glass.

I called out carefully and loudly.

"If you don't quit it Itachi I'll burn your Akatsuki banner!"

There was a sudden rush behind me and before I could turn I was flying towards the balcony, at least 200k's per second. I slammed against the balcony railing, and doubled over it, my eyes almost bulging, feeling as if I was gonna plummet to the ground below and die. My heart thudded, my stomach throbbed uncontrollably. Then two strong arms spun me around. I quickly took in the person.

It was him.

"Don't even think about it!" He spoke in such a squeak I thought he'd swallowed the helium in the left-over balloons from Uzumaki Naruto's party. Then I looked at his eyes.

He was shocked.

"You didn't, did you?" He whispered in a deadly voice. Then he shook me _big_ time. I felt my head roll about, to and fro, till I sank to my knees.

"No I didn't!" I protested. "I was just kiddin' man! I wouldn't! I'd like to live a little longer, if you know what I mean!"

Itachi looked at me sideways. "Promise?"

I nodded vigorously, climbing to my feet and clinging on the railing.

When I'd finally got my breath back I looked sideways at him. The jerk. I felt a sudden urge to argue with him, I didn't know why. I just had to see him go all red.

I put my head to one side.

"Why do you wear that hideous cloak?" I asked him, eyeing the long black cloak with the red spots. Trouble was, I reckoned it looked cool – really cool. Not on him, though.

I smirked and had another go.

"Gosh, Akatsuki sucks. The uniforms are just _awful_."

"It doesn't!" Itachi was bristling up at the very insult of his precious club, like a territorial cat.

"The outfits are so cool! Especially if you're sexy and have a ponytail." He raised his ponytail, showing off as if he were the coolest thing.

I sniggered. Well he wasn't.

"You look like a girl," I said boredly, sitting on the bed. "Honestly, can't they find you a decent tracksuit or something? Something you can actually walk in? Well, walk PROPERLY in? Oh well." I watched him as he turned from the balcony and glared at me. Then he started hollering.

"ARE YOU IMPLYING SOMETHING, BRAT?"

I tried to look completely innocent. "No. Not really."

I swear, if looks could kill...

He yawned slightly, looking terrifically bored all of a sudden, and turned back to me. "I'm hungry."

I blinked at the sudden change in mood. "Really?"

"Yeah."

I smirked again. "Well, the pet shop's still open. Ooh, the Cat Crunches are pretty cheap. You can get some you know."

He gave me a withering look. "Very funny." He turned and stalked down the corridor. I hurried after him to make sure he didn't do anything.

_Uh oh_¸ I thought as I saw him head towards the stairs …

"Uh, what are you doing?"

"I'm gonna cook something."

"What! Hey!"

I jumped in front of him. He wasn't gonna get away that easily.

"Um, I kind of, well, I'm renovating."

"Yeah right, you just don't want me to blow up your kitchen."

"Whoa, how'd you guess? You must be psychic, man!" I said that in my most sarcastic voice, especially reserved for annoying brothers.

He just glared at me, shoved me aside and continued down the stairs. I collided hard with the wall and had just enough time to throw my legs over the stair railing, leapt and ended up crouched in front of Itachi, about to be stomped on by his huge feet. He paused, foot in mid air. I stood up and held my arms on other side of me.

He raised his eyebrow in a scornful smirk.

"You look like a bloody cheerleader, move it!"

"Yeah you'd know." I retorted.

"Very funny. Now move your ass so I can cook something."

"I'll make it!" I said brightly.

"You can cook?" Itachi again raised his eyebrow. So irritating!

"Err, yeah!" Well, within reason. I wasn't gonna tell the jerk that I'd been learning from a copy of 'Fantastic Foods' ever since my parents went on that darn world trip …

He scoffed at me and shoving me aside, and stomped into the kitchen.

He reached under the sink cupboard – and pulled out MY apron!

Jerk, how'd he know where it was?

He tied the sides of the apron around himself then turned to face me, rubbing his hands.

"Let's get started."

Bad sign.


	2. Save Me Sakura! Not

DISCLAIMER: 'Naruto' is not mine, that happy honour belongs to Kishimoto Masashi!

Thank you**_mayuko-chan_ **and **_Scoodoo58_** for your reviews! I really appreciate them:)  
And, **_coolRiku_**, I'm so honoured to read that you were actually looking for my story! (cries) Thank you SOOO much, you guys!

Oh, and no, this is an AU, they are not ninjas!

**Chapter Two: Save Me Sakura! ... Not**

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"Holy _cow_, Sasuke! You have absolutely no junk whatsoever in this fridge! Is fruit all you ever eat? And soy milk? There is absolutely nothing interesting."

I huffed indignantly. "Excuse _me_, but who gave you permission to raid _my_ kitchen?"

He ignored me completely (as usual) and flung open the cupboard, watching the entire contents spill out.

He almost face-faulted. "Fruity bars, health snacks, berry flavored K-time muffins, a zillion boxes of cereal – you…you're so weird."

"I only take up after you."

"I cannot believe it …" Then he started screeching. "HOW DO YOU LIVE WITHOUT CHOCOLATE!"

I blinked at him in surprise.

"I haven't had chocolate before. What's -"

He looked flabbergasted for only a minute before he rose swiftly.

"Right. That's it." He pulled the apron off, threw it over the sink, whipped his cloak around his shoulders and had dragged me out of the kitchen and out the door onto the street before I was aware what was happening. We started walking. Well, he was walking and I was being dragged.

I tried – unsuccessfully to get out of his grip, but he had this weird determined gleam in his eyes that freaked me out, so I decided to stay put … for now anyway …

"Um … where are we going?"

"To the store, where else?"

"Why?"

"To get something decent to eat."

"Fine, as long as you pay."

"Me? I'm broke!"

"Yeah right. YOU'RE the one who wants to get fat – fatt_er_, I should say. Plus, you came uninvited."

"Uninvited? That's a laugh. I bloody gave you three days notice!"

"You – or some other idiot – wrote: '_Sasuke beware you're in for a scare'_ on the back of an out-of-date Christmas card. And it said '_From Orochimaru and friends'_."

"That damn Kisame," Itachi muttered.

I looked at him sideways. "Who?"

"Oh, Kisame. He's my best bud."

"Oh." _Big deal_, I thought to myself.

Hey, wait a minute.

Itachi has a best friend?

Who was this person, anyway? They must be _really_ psycho … I mean, whoever has Itachi for a friend has to be a mega-psychomaniac …

"Um, it's a 'he', right?"

Itachi turned stared at me.

"Yeah."

"What does he look like?"

"Well, he has um…whitish skin, and um, he's really tall, and he kind of looks like a shark, and he's a bit…" Itachi paused. I decided to help him out.

"Poofy?" Whoops. I shouldn't have suggested that too soon … But imagine Itachi having a _friend_. You can't, can you? Don't blame you, because I can't either.

He got really cheesed off. His teeth clenched. "Now what made you think that?"

"Oh, nothing in particular, I'm just curious." Phew … that was a close one …

Well not really.

"I don't make friends with poofs."

I snorted.

"That's weird – I thought it took one to know one?"

Oops.

He froze, mid-way while dragging me, bringing me to a sudden skidding halt.

He turned very, very slowly. Each word spat out equally slowly.

"You. Nasty. Little –"

I pulled myself free and took off down the street at top speed, sniggering. He deserved that, hell yeah he did.

Running up the road, I turned the corner, towards the plaza. I hurried through the car park and in through the automatic glass doors. I skirted the giant escalators, dodging the noisy crowds going up and down it.

I looked over my shoulder at the automatic glass doors, and suddenly – CRASH! I nearly fell backwards over the escalator's glass railing.

"YOWWWW!"

"Oh! I'm sorry Sasuke-kun!"

I rubbed my shoulder and looked in front. Haruno Sakura was standing there, gawking at me curiously.

"I've never seen you here before, Sasuke-kun!"

I reddened. Then I looked behind my shoulder again.

"Look, there's this guy after me, and he's too loopy for his own good."

Her eyes bulged and then narrows. "Who is it? I'll kill him for ya'!"

I smirked. "He's my brother. He's staying at my house."

I glanced behind my shoulder again.

"That's him!"

Sakura only glanced _briefly_ at the figure in the black and red cloak, which explains what happened later on.

"He's from Akatsuki?" She asked with interest, noticing the costume.

"Yeah, but never mind that! I have to hide!"

Sakura's eyes brightened. "I know somewhere he won't look! Come with me."

She started leading me towards the main part of the plaza. Then she froze.

"Oh! Crap, it's Ino-pig." She muttered under her breath, her eyes flashing furiously. Then she did something really weird which scared the living hell out of me. She slipped her hand into mine and held it out blatantly for Ino to see.

I hate being the centre of all their girlie fights – it makes me nervous thinking of what they gonna do to ME next …

"Sasuke-kun, what –" Ino began to say but Sakura shushed her.

"Go away Ino-Piglet-Chan! Sasuke-kun and I are _busy_ at the moment!" And she dragged me across the middle of the shopping centre.

Gosh did she have to say _both_ of us were busy? It sounded highly suspicious …

Before I could protest, she'd dragged me right to the back and had started hauling me up the stairs.

I just had time to see Itachi running towards me, fists clenched and teeth bared. Then he knocked over an old lady with a walking stick and tripped over the seat leg, looking like Sailor Moon throwing her tiara at some evil dude.

Sakura saw me gaping in horror and started ushering me upstairs, nearly tripping me up as well in the process.

At last we reached the top. Sakura was looking incredibly serious. I wasn't too sure I liked that determined look …

The upstairs area was even bigger but less crowded, and it was pretty easy to spot someone. I pointed this out to her but she said it didn't matter at all.

That was until she saw her favorite shop. And her favorite type of dress. Her eyes widened in disbelief. And utter joy.

"Yippee!" She rushed over to the shop, admiring the dress from all angles and feeling the soft material. I hurried up to her, seething.

"Listen, no time for this! He'll kill me!" I hissed. She looked at me for a sec, and then suddenly as if a light bulb had gone off in her head she started grinning. At me, which was even worse. I took a step backwards uncertainly.

"Just a sec, Sasuke-kun." She gently unhooked the hideous thing and, her hand firmly gripped on my arm, she started leading me to the changing rooms.

"Why am I –?" I began, but she clamped a hand over my mouth and shoved me into one of the change rooms, slipping in after me. "What the –"

"Hurry up Sasuke-kun! Just put in on over your clothes!"

My eyes must have bulged. "You're joking," I said, edging away from her.

Then – boy, she's tough – she lunged towards me. "C'mon Sasuke-kun, you're the one who said you need to hide!" She dragged me forward and then threw the hideous thing over my head, yanking it down and practically pulling my ears off while at it. After she'd adjusted it over my shirt she started looking me up and down, smiling. I was too shocked to speak.

"Oh, wait!" She zipped the change room curtain open, and ran out into the middle of the shop. I panicked as I saw her leave.

"S-Sakura! Wait! Don't leave me stranded in this stupid –"

I ran out after her then heard voices – someone was coming into the change room area. I was about to run out when I stopped dead in realisation …

I was wearing a dress but I still looked like a boy. I mean, at least my head still did. I scurried back just as they entered. I didn't want them thinking I was a cross-dresser … well I'm not!

Where as before I was being dragged reluctantly into the change room, this time I couldn't get in fast enough. I was running, bolting, when I tripped over the hem of the dress. I stumbled, and almost went flying into the change room head-first, whipping the curtain closed with my feet.

_Close one _…

I'd just scrambled to my feet when Sakura raced in, holding a straw sun hat with a lace red ribbon around it and a huge sunflower.

"I am not –"

Before I even got to finish my say, everything went black. At first I thought I was either knocked out or blind. Then I realised that she'd dragged the sunhat over my eyes. She pulled the flap back up and peered at me, smiling.

"Sorry Sasuke-kun!"

I wouldn't have been surprised if she'd said Sasuke-_Chan_ …

Then she started messing with my hair. Pulling and yanking and twisting. At last she dragged me out into the shop.

"Stop walking like yourself! Walk sassily – walk like a girl! Don't slouch your arms like that – keep them straight! Shoulders down, and for once keep your head down!" She sounded like a ballet teacher or something. I did what she said, but kept my eyes up. And I could see why she was fussing …

Itachi was sauntering up the floor, looking straight at the shop.

"I'll have to hide," Sakura whispered, edging away. I clutched at her arm.

"Don't leave me!" I hissed. "I'll get massacred!"

"No you won't! And I'll only be hiding behind that skirt rack! Good Luck!" And she slipped away, leaving me alone to face him.

Great. She has fun dressing me up as a girl and then even more fun by chucking me onto Itachi's warpath.

I pretended to be checking out a dark blue gown. It was hideous. I tried _not_ to picture Itachi wearing it but I couldn't help letting the vision slip into my mind …

Itachi reached the shop entrance.

_Holy crap … here goes_, I thought.

He stalked behind me. I could feel the gush of air as he moved swiftly. From the corner of my eye I could see Sakura's pink hair from behind the skirt rack.

Then suddenly he stopped.

Right behind me.

"Excuse me, but I've seen you somewhere, haven't I?"

I practically choked. I slowly turned to face him, letting the brim of the sunhat drop over my forehead.

"Ye – oh, sorry, no," I said flatly, eyeing him. _Oops_! I cleared my throat and spoke in a girlishly soft voice.

Trying madly to remember the way stupid gushing girls acted, I squeaked out. "I mean – Oh, no, I haven't seen you before. Who are you?"

Bad question. I could see the guy practically puff his chest out …

"I am Uchiha Itachi, Vice Captain of Akatsuki."

_VICE CAPTAIN_? I never knew that. _Huh, no wonder Akatsuki sucked so much …_

I pretended to blush.

"Ooooh, really? I like Akatsuki." I tried my hardest to refrain from screaming out "_Akatsuki Sucks Ice_!" repeatedly. The temptation was overpowering.

Itachi grinned.

"And, you are …?"

_Shit_. I hadn't thought of that …

Who am I?

I said the first name that came into my head.

"Yamanaka Ino."

Itachi nodded, impressed. "Cool name."

It was not. I had to fight the urge to snort out loud …

So I smiled in a fake way.

"Thank you!" What I am actually thinking of is "_When is this jerk gonna leave me in peace_?"

He smiles back. All gooey and all.

Then he suddenly leans towards me, and his voice drops. I stepped backwards slightly, feeling like I'm going to bolt any second …

"That dress suits you so much! In fact all the beautiful clothes in this shop suit you."

It has just hit me that the guy is in love with me. Don't get me wrong – I've seen that expression millions of times. His eyes are glowing. His voice is soppy. He is smiling the way he does when he sees a girl he likes. He probably _would_ impress a real girl. There's only one black mark. The guy doesn't know that I'm his little brother.

"Oh … um … really?" I said coolly, trying my hardest to stop my foot connecting with his face. And to stop from puking …

Anyway, he suddenly stopped smiling and became serious.

"Well, anyway, have you seen a runt around here? He has black hair, he looks very cute but also very naughty, he is a little taller than five feet, plus he never smiles?"

_I do smile, excuse me_, I thought. _Just because I never smile at you.__ Or seem to want to._

I give another fake smile. "Ah yes, he…he went to…"

_Oh great_, I thought in panic. _Think of somewhere far, far away. Err…I know_!

"Oh yes, I heard him telling his friend about the Akatsuki place his brother went to, and he wanted to go and see his brother's friends and tell them things about him, so they wouldn't be his friends anymore and…basically he's gone to the same place Akatsuki is in."

Itachi's eyes widened.

"Friend? Who is this mysterious friend?"

"Ummmm…" What should I say? I hurriedly searched for an answer.

"Um, it was some pink-haired girl."

"Yes, that's the one I saw with him when I tripped over that old hag," Itachi muttered. "Well, thank you very much. Goodbye."

And he turned and stormed out of the shop. I stood there shaking with anger before I turned and stomped towards Sakura.

"Idiot," I hissed. "I thought I was going to die."

Sakura stood up slowly.

I growled. "I'm gonna get this ridiculous costume off before someone finds out that it's me, hell no for that." I started making my way to the change room, Sakura following. Then I stopped. Something wasn't right.

I turned to Sakura, who was staring into space.

"Um, Sakura? Are you okay?"

Pretty stupid question, really – it was obvious that she wasn't.

I started hauling off the ridiculous dress, and turning it back to its original stupid state, which, in my opinion, was no better than if it was inside out. I pulled off the sunhat and stood, looking at the pink-haired girl in front of me.

"Sakura."

"Huh?" She was barely awake.

"Are you okay?"

She still remained quiet.

Then…

"Wow …"

I stared at her, slowly started to get annoyed.

"'Wow' what? Sakura, it isn't that thrilling that I dressed up as a girl."

She still wasn't listening.

"That guy…"

"What about him?" I said impatiently. She shook her head slowly.

The unbelievably, she started drooling …

"What a _handsome_ guy! He's so _cool_! …Ooooh! I wanna meet him again!"

I dropped the dress and hat, my jaw practically hitting the floor as I stared at her …

Shit. I was so not prepared for this. Now she was in love with Itachi. What next? Could things possibly get any worse?

…

Shouldn't have thought that …

The pixies were _definitely_ listening that day …

* * *


	3. I Love Wine!

DISCLAIMER: 'Naruto' is not mine, that happy honour belongs to Kishimoto Masashi!

THANK YOU FOR WAITING!

And thank you ALL SO MUCH for your reviews!

Wish I had time to reply to you all, but you've motivated me to bring out this new chapter

Hope you like it!

Chapter Three: I LOVE WINE!

* * *

Itachi is not talking to me.

And do you know why?

Do you _reall_y want to know why?

He has just realised that he'd fallen in love with that so called "dark haired chick." Which was me. In disguise. I know how he feels. I mean, I can GUESS how he feels. Pretty annoyed, to put it mildly. And he's really really disgusted …

Well hell, so was I!

Right now he was sitting on the lounge, staring at the blank TV. He is wearing blue tracksuit pants and a white singlet.

He looks pretty lonely and forlorn sitting on the lounge like that. I decide to go cheer him up.

I creep up behind him. I have never crept so quietly in my life. But anyway I creep up behind him, and I hadn't even touched him when…

"Don't, Sasuke."

My jaw dropped open. How did that guy know?

His bottom lip stuck out as if he was really sulky. I sighed.

"Come on Itachi. I couldn't have looked _that_ gorgeous in a pink dress and sunhat."

He didn't answer.

"In fact I shouldn't even have looked pretty. I'm a guy."

He gave a small smile. Well, it was something.

Then I remembered the glass bottle he'd brought with him. It was wine or something. Whatever it was it certainly looked nice.

I scurry to the kitchen, pick up the bottle and two glasses from the top cupboard and return to the lounge room.

"TA-DA!"

I produce the objects from behind my back. Itachi stares blankly at them for a minute, before grinning.

"Good idea."

He twists open the cork with his bare fingers and poured the gorgeous liquid into one cup, first filling his and stopping.

"How much do you want?" He asked, grinning.

I shrugged. "Same amount you're having."

He stopped for a second.

"Nah. I'll first give you a bit for taste, then you can have more."

"That is not fair!" I protested. "And you get to have a lot I bet."

He grinned evilly. "I've had this a zillion times at Akatsuki meetings. You haven't."

Damn Akatsuki and its meetings.

He poured a drop into the glass-a teeny weenie droplet.

I wrapped my fingers around the glass, and swallowed the drop. It was heavenly. It had a deep bitterness, but I felt really refreshed.

I turned to Itachi.

"Well?" He smiled. "Like it?"

"Mmmm," I answered dreamily. Itachi poured a whole heap into the glass.

"Well, Cheers, squirt."

"Cheers old friend."

We clinked our glasses together as he pressed the remote, landing on an extremely perverted show.

I leant back against the sofa comfortably._ This is the life_, I thought.

And now here I am. As I said earlier, I am crouching on the lawn, staring at the grass, playing with the ants …

"Ooh! Ants," I smiling like an idiot and poking at an ant with a stick. I'd just had a couple of glasses of that stuff. So has Itachi, but he's either asleep or half-dead.

I feel dizzy. In fact, I feel as if I was on a rocket but going backwards. I cock my head back and fall onto the grass, murmuring to myself. Oh, boy! This is probably what it feels like to be drunk.

Pretty cool feeling actually.

I feel like rolling around in the grass and climbing up trees and jumping on the bed. I feel like doing anything I want – everything I want, at the same time. I start rolling backwards and forwards in the grass, feeling the wetness sink into my skin and hair and the weeds pressing into me. I never knew rolling in the grass could be so fun!

After a while I become sick of rolling on the grass and I stand up, looking bright-eyed around. Then I look up at the house and have an idea. I see Itachi's room, and I know his suitcase's in there.

But firstly, I tiptoe into the house, into the living room where Itachi is asleep. I look at him for a while, a cheeky grin spreading across my face. Then I scurry past the kitchen into the study. I quietly, carefully open the top draw and collect a pair of scissors, a thick black texta and two tubes of paint-light blue and passion pink. After glancing quickly around, I stagger out onto the corridor, dropping the items in a bundle onto the cream carpet and slowly making my way to the bathroom.

I searched through the cupboards and raided dad's private section of it. (My parents were on a world trip, and that meant I could do whatever I wanted after the promise of being good.)

My eyes were blurry, but I could still pick out each item. My eyes traveled from his deodorants ands razors to his bottles of shaving cream.

Shaving cream? Interesting.

I reached out for the precious bottle, grinning with absolute pleasure. I'd sure as hell have fun with this!

After raiding dad's section I absent-mindedly moved on to mum's. I didn't think I'd find much there but I sure did.

I picked up a glass bottle of perfume, and after sniffing it, I laid it aside. After a few seconds I'd found a large makeup kit, and funky ideas started forming in my brain. Humming gleefully, I scurried back out with the items I'd collected.

Halfway down the hall I also collected the things from the art room, and taking deep breaths, made towards Itachi.

I silently settled the objects down on the table beside the couch, and examined him closely. He actually looked quite peaceful, his eyes closed, not giving out dirties, for once. And he isn't snoring. No way, unlike dad, who keeps the entire neighborhood plus the next suburb awake while he's snoring.

I sat down on the table and read quickly through this midget sized book which was in mum's makeup kit. It had pictures of the same face wearing each part of the makeup and the names of each were there too, so I worked out quickly where to put each.

I started with some shiny blue powder. I picked up one of the little brushes and applied a blazing layer to the tops of his eyes. Trying not to look at what I'd done the previous time, I paid attention to each bar or tube, next smearing lipstick on his lips (of course) and so on.

Then after that I went wild. I drew with lipstick all over his cheeks and forehead, smudged heaps of pink powder on his nose and drew outlined love hearts on his temples with that black pencil kind of thing. I worked on and on, using the pink and blue paint to make whiskers and a nose.

After I'd finished with him I wouldn't say he looked puppy cute, but the most annoying thing is that he still managed to look cool in a whole heap of makeup – even when I coloured the love heart in red stuff and spots of shaving cream. Growling quietly to myself I get hold of the shiny silver scissors and start my excellent work on his ponytail, snipping away till it's a tiny little shrub on the back of his head …

I admired my work straight after giving Itachi the finale of his makeover – his gorgeous hair. It looked like a miniature fountain; only a couple of centimeters long in total. I sat there, grinning and chuckling to myself, when an idea hit me – _again._ Only that it is just as crazy as the other one.

I gathered the items and after a final survey of Itachi, I made my way upstairs towards his room.

I sprawled out on the floor like a baby; my legs stretched out, and carefully unzipped his suitcase.

I saw his Akatsuki flag right on top, and groaned. He'd wanted to hang the rotten thing up on the streetlamp in front of the house. Of course I told him to go jump, but then he became even more determined to stick posters up in the local library saying "Vote for Akatsuki!" (There was some damned election coming up for the best sleaze gang and I guess Itachi was really interested.)

So I told him he could go ahead and shove it in front of the house. It was a boring, quiet street, and anyway, no harm done here. I could tear it up and burn it whenever I wanted, and blame it all on the wind. Believe me, Itachi's too stupid to realise it would be me.

But it felt good sitting there ready to tear up the miserable little flag. (I'm not _THAT_ evil to pretend it was Itachi's face, but it came close.)

I snipped and tore through it with the scissors, grinning evilly and getting even rougher with it. Then I twisted open the blue paint tube and squirt! A blue blob took up most of the space.

I smudged the paint and did a bit more tearing, till I sat back satisfied, drawing and scribbling at the rotten thing with the thick, black permanent texta.

At last I have produced a fine artwork out of an Akatsuki flag. I never thought I would, though. I'd always thought I'd start running as soon as I was within a metre of one. But here I am, sitting totally contented on the pastel carpet of the room, and marvelling away at my work. It's all blue and snipped here and there and I've made a pattern of perfectly cut squares and triangles on the corners and downwards, PLUS I'd scribbled on top of the lot 'Itachi sucks ice.'(Not to mention a nasty little comic of me killing Itachi with all the weapons of the world on the side.) I breathed out happily. It looks incredibly stylish. For me, anyway.

Then I hear an almighty yawn from downstairs.

Itachi is waking up.

And it finally registers what I have done …

And what will happen next …

He will see me.

And his dead flag.

He will kill me.

There's no easier way of putting it.

He will strangle me to death, then desecrate my corpse …

I can hear his footsteps on the timber floor, and thank god he's not coming towards the room.

Is he?

Oh yes he is.

"Hey Squirt head! Where the hell are you?"

One hand on the bed the other gripping the demolished flag, I just sit there paralyzed as the footsteps come closer and closer to the room. Then without warning I shove the flag under the covers, jump up and bolt out of the room yelling bloody murder.

To make matters worse Itachi is standing right outside the door. I'm sure he got a heart attack. In fact he did. He collapsed back into the wall _also _yelling bloody murder as well and his eyes were wide.

While I was running, through the fog of my mind, I think I faintly registered the fact that he must have had the sense to look into a mirror … because the next thing I heard …

"Sas-u-KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Before he took another breath I was halfway down the street, and I'm not exaggerating. No way. In fact, it probably isn't even that – I shocked myself even at my own speed.

Holy crap, I thought as I sped down the street. Last time it was a joke; sure, I called him a poof, but that was for fun. Now it's for real. I've really copped it big time. He's going to REALLY kill me now. And I have to escape.

The skateboarders on the street rocketed off the road and into their lawn as I shot past them. I just continue on and on till I've rounded the corner.

Then what?

Do I stay there forever?

Will Itachi run after me with a curling knife?

Or a pistol?

I know. I won't go to Sakura. I won't go to the mall. I won't go to that damn Akatsuki place.

I know where I'll go. I know exactly where I'll go.

I can't help letting a wicked smile cross my face.

I'll go to Uzumaki Naruto's Place!


	4. Sasuke has an idea

DISCLAIMER: 'Naruto' is not mine: that happy honour belongs to Kishimoto Masashi!

Chapter Four: Itachi plays Hide and Seek

"Wow! Will he really kill you? What's he like? Is he funny? Is he interesting? What's the name of that thingy-mah-jiggy he goes to? How old is he?"

I was sitting at Naruto's table being bombarded with questions made by his little pesky friends. Naruto himself was grinning at me from across the kitchen where he was making Milo drink for both of us.

"Will he _really_ kill you?"

This little brown haired brat with something like a bowl over his head and a long white cape was blinking up at me expectantly.

"Well tell me! Will he really kill you?"

Naruto snorted. "Konohamaru!"

I nodded vigorously at the little brat. Maybe if I said yes he'd get scared and leave me in peace. I seriously wasn't in the mood for story-telling time. (Not that I ever am.)

"Hell Yeah! He kills EVERYONE! He's really mean too! He's my brother you see." Three expectant faces looked curiously into mine. I hid an evil grin.

"And people related to him are sometimes like that too-especially their little brothers."

"And that's you?" A squeaky voice piped up from one of the three, I couldn't tell whom.

I nodded. "And they only get really angry when little kids annoy them and ask too many questions!"

Believe me. That didn't shut them up. In fact, it made them even more curious.

If Naruto hadn't come scurrying over with the tea tray the three would've drowned me. They were crazy, man. I guess they loved stories. Scary stories, especially.

"Awesome!"

"Can you show us some killing techniques?"

Uh oh. Not exactly the way I meant it to be.

Anyway, Naruto produced a perverted magazine with a woman on the front in a two piece which sent the three off into the hall with it.

"Kids," Naruto groaned, returning from the bench with the two blazing cups and plopping down in front of me.

"So, who is this guy anyway?"

I sipped from the steaming cup.

"He's my big stinking brother," I said sulkily. Naruto snorted in disbelief. Talking to Naruto was kind of well…nice, in a way. You could tell him anything you wanted, and he'd understand. He did have a ridiculously big mouth and no solid lips to speak of, but that's just for show really. He'll keep anything secret if you really want him to, and it gave me a warm, cosy feeling talking to him.

_I'm going soft_, I thought to myself. I shook myself and continued.

I told him about the way he'd appeared on my doorstep one morning with a whopping great suitcase, how he'd raided everything, and how I'd called him a poof and I'd actually agreed to Sakura 'saving' me. He laughed through the part when I had to 'dress up' thanks to Sakura (Well, what do you expect?) and how Itachi fell in love with 'that sexy dark haired chick' of which was me.

Naruto laughed so hard he snorted into his cup and sent up a wave of Milo. As he dabbed at his shirt with a tissue I continued about how I'd decided to cheer him up and had suggested the wine, and how we'd become drunk and I'd drawn all over his face, gave him a makeover and killed his precious flag, then just ran.

"Wait a minute! Does this guy know me?" Naruto blinked his big blue ovals at me, interested. I shook my head.

"No. That's why I came here-I'll be safe. He knows Sakura, maybe not her house, but he doesn't know you nor your house, so I'm alive for a few more minutes."

Right on cue there was a crash in the hall. Naruto and I simultaneously jerked upright. My first thought was that it was Itachi.

Naruto obviously thought the same thing because he grinned nervously at me and breathed out.

"Naruto-nee-san!" There was an ear-splitting squeak from the hall followed by a squabbling sound.

"Konohamaru-chan won't give us the magazine!"

"Better go," Naruto informed, starting towards the hall. I shook my head at him as he went to investigate and sipped at the Milo when suddenly out of nowhere I had an idea. It was a crazy, stupid idea-I guess I still had a bit of drunkenness in me-but of course, did I think twice about what I was planning to do? Hell no.

I quietly placed the cup on the table and glanced warily at the door. _I'll bring Naruto with me too, _I thought to myself, hearing the various yells and bangs coming from the hall.

I sat there for a while, staring down at the table, and planning my idea. My eyes traveled around the surface of the table, taking in the timber-like streaks of cream and ivory. Then I reached the puddle of Milo Naruto had left when he'd snorted into his mug.

"Got it," I muttered to myself. I ran through my plan again hurriedly, picturing the details in my head to get it absolutely clear …

Finally Naruto returned from the hall, a satisfied expression on his face, dusting his hands.

"Well, that did it. I took the mag back and hid it in my room before they'd wreck it. I can save it for later, too. Haven't you ever read those magazines Sas – hey, what's up?"

I was probably shaking with excitement; I knew my plan would hit the top.

"Naruto," I whispered. "I have an idea …"


	5. Revenge

DISCLAIMER: 'Naruto' is not mine - that happy honour belongs to Kishimoto Masashi!

_**Note from PrincessTsunade:**_ (sigh) Hello all, _**Toothpaste's**_ dog secretary here …

I hope – I think – you will really enjoy this chapter, this is a lot better than the last and yes, I have nitpicked through it – honestly some of the comedy scenes (err, which is about ALL of the chapter …) was so HILARIOUS!!

On my sister's behalf I'd like to say thank you to you all for your continued attention! I hope this has you ROFL!!

Chapter Five: Revenge

"Sasuke, I don't understand this. What are we doing anyway – ouch!"

I prodded Naruto in the ribs as we reached the house. I briefly scanned over it, checking each window to see if Itachi was pointing a gun at me from one of them. It didn't look like it.

Well, not yet anyway.

"Come on," I said quietly, dragging Naruto over to the side of the house. I stepped over two garden gnomes Itachi had brought with him – they had Akatsuki cloaks and were holding samehedas – and then wished I'd stepped _on_ them instead of over. Resisting the urge, I walked stiffly past them towards the side wall. Naruto chuckled softly at the gnomes and followed, tripping over the hose.

I stopped at the side wall and was about to leap over, when I heard a scuffle on the other side, then silence.

I paused for a second, listening quietly. Beside me Naruto shuffled uncomfortably, looking embarrassed. I turned to hiss at him to shut up, then only I realised I was holding his hand.

I let go quickly, flushing bright red, and looked away, hastily. I stepped a little to the right hand side where the side gate was, heaved myself up and looked over.

There was no one there.

I raised my other leg onto the wall and held my hand palm up to Naruto, telling him to wait.

As I did so I lost balance, lost my footing and with a small wave and surprised look I toppled over the wall, right into the arms of Uchiha Itachi.

"YOOOW! LET GO OF ME JERK!!!!!!"

"YOOOW! YOU'RE BLOODY HEAVY!!!!!

Itachi lost balance and went crashing into the wall. My head banged against the wheelbarrow full of soil and it leaned over dangerously.

"NOOOO!"

Itachi grabbed for the handles. I grabbed for the handles. We both missed, yelled in shock and rolled over to either side just in time as…

Naruto's blonde hair rose on the other side of the wall. Two chubby hands, an expectant face. Before I could finish rolling over to one side he'd jumped down from the wall, landing crouched right under the wheelbarrow.

"Hi guys! Did I –?"

With a deafening crash the wheelbarrow cascaded forward like a lorry, sending a spray of soil over Naruto before flattening him. A cloud of dust so thick I couldn't see my own hands rose into the air as I lurched sideways, arms struggling and scratching at anything I could feel. I started coughing and sneezing and blowing my hardest. I accidentally mixed up my breathing pattern and got a mouthful of dust right up my nose.

Spluttering like a madman, I felt what seemed to be the upturned handle of the wheelbarrow. I shifted my leg under me, which was slowly falling asleep as it was pinned beneath my weight, so quickly that I scraped my knee, but I didn't care.

I knelt on my other knee and with all my might lifted the wheelbarrow off Naruto's head. At first I thought he'd disappeared. Where was that irritating bright blonde hair?!

Then only I realised the idiot had been camouflaged; layers and layers of dust had covered his usually bright orange shirt, and his hair was no longer visible.

He scrambled up to a crawling position and gave an unexpected, almighty shake, sending a cloud of dust into my eyes and mouth. I raised my arm quickly to defend myself, succeeding only in catapaulting backwards – I felt my head connect with someone's jaw, heard an accompany crack and groan of pain.

Sitting up again blindly, feeling my head spin, I flailed my arms, trying to get my eyes into focus …

After a few minutes, I had regained the use of my sight, and everyone could breathe again. Itachi looked pitifully at Naruto, and I immediately realised that his makeup was washed off and everything was back to normal–except for the little pot plant in place of his ponytail. I sniggered helplessly at the sight of the little bouncy shrub on his big head. Naruto stared in absolute disbelief at him, his jaw almost hitting the ground.

"Awww," Itachi said politely, eyeing Naruto. "You poor thing. Why don't you take a bath, eh?"

My eyes popped. Itachi being nice? Itachi being _nice_?!

Oh crap. If Naruto takes a bath, that means he'll go …

If he goes, I'm alone with Itachi …

If I'm alone with Itachi …

_Say no, say no,_ I urged silently. _Don't leave me with him. _

But did Naruto say no?

Did he think of me getting killed?

Oh, no. Of course not. _That_ would require too much effort …

As I watched, he grinned–a big, cheesy grin.

"Yes _purr- lease_," he answered.

Itachi leapt up lightly and nimbly for someone who just got squashed twice – with a wheelbarrow then his little brother. He motioned to Naruto – who resembled nothing short of a walking mound of dirt and would ordinarily have scared the living crap out of any passers-by – to follow him took him inside the house, to show him the bathroom. Itachi didn't look at me once, as Naruto padded after him.

I stood up gingerly, my stupid foot still feeling the effects of the numbing, and staggered after them as quietly as I could, and headed towards the kitchen. I was standing there undecided like a moron, when I decided, _what the heck. I need all the strength I can get …_

I opened the fridge, dragged out the bottle of soymilk, and poured it into a glass. I was just raising it to my lips when there was suddenly a hand gripping the back of my neck.

I choked.

"What. Were. You. Thinking?"

The voice was practically a low growl.

It was Itachi.

"I was giving you a haircut," I spluttered.

Oops.

The grip on my neck tightened.

"Yeah right, Sasuke. Now I'm going to–"

I don't know why I did it. Maybe I watch too many of those old black-and-white comedies … come on, you have to admit, they have some pretty good ideas …

All I know is, my arm flung upwards like a sideways pendulum., And naturally with my arm went the bottle of milk …

Well, I didn't really see what happened, but I can imagine that Itachi just got a Cleopatra-style milk bath. And ice–cold milk bath.

There was a spluttering, gagging and coughing, and some weird sounds as if he'd got it the wrong way up his nose. Then his grip loosened dramatically … Naturally that was all I needed.

Once I was free I didn't waste a second. I bolted out of that kitchen so fast I almost could have left my eyeballs behind.

Well, it _would _have been fast except that I didn't take into account that the kitchen floor had been turned into an ice-rink.

I was about to make for the hall, slipping on the icy milk and landing straight on my arse with a yell. I scrambled to my feet and then _really _bolted, stumbling around bends and doors.

I bolted through the hall and was just about to exit through the other door when Itachi flew in through the bead curtain, banging into me and knocking the breath out of me. I fell back on the giant vase, knocking it against the patterned carpet. Flowers, silken flowers of all shapes, colours and types cascaded onto the carpet behind me, making me stumble.

"GAH!" I yelled, surprised.

"CRIKEYS!" Itachi yelled, surprised.

We just stood there, staring at each other and suffering from mental shock.

But I was the one who recovered first.

And then I suspect that being in Naruto's apartment, and in the dobe's company must have given me a severe attack of … Naruto-itis …

I picked up the vase beside me and donged him over the head with it.

Fragments of china fell on either side of him like a curtain, dropping to the floor. The remains of the vase, which was the size of a seashell – better yet Itachi's brain – was still clutched in my hand. The Naruto-it is got worse, because suddenly I found that I had walked up casually, dropped the pieces on his head and stood there, watching. He just stared blankly black at me, arms loosely by his side.

I guess it was about then that it sunk in what I had just done …

I ran.

Through the corridor, past the stairs and indoor glasshouse, and was just turning into the laundry when the study phone rang.

Swearing, I turned back to answer it. I had to. It was probably mum ringing to check up on me, and I DID NOT want her coming all the way from Paris to find Itachi and I having a catfight.

I snatched up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi Sasuke! How are ya?"

It was Tsunade-sama. My eyes almost popped.

"Tsunade-sama-"

"Well, I kind of need help here, and I've decided that you, Sakura and the brat can-"

"Tsunade-sama, I-"

"Yeah, for pay, of course, but besides that, I can barely-"

"Yeah, just Tsunade-sama, I really-"

"And that brat Kakashi won't even look, he's too busy reading that Come Come Paradise thing he stole off Jiraiya-"

"TSUNADE-SAMA!" I YELLED.

"And I-oh, yes Sasuke?"

"I need help here," I said quickly. "It's Itachi. He's trying to kill me – again. I mean, literally, kill me."

"Awww, isn't that so sweet of him?"

"I-_WHAT?"_

"I said, 'Isn't that sweet of him?'"

I glared at the phone.

"Um, hello Tsunade-sama? Is that you? Or is it Shizune? Even better, is it Ton-Ton?"

There was a weird silence on the other end.

"It's me," Tsunade said huffily.

"I just said Itachi's trying to kill me."

"I know."

"What – I mean, what is so sweet about blue murder?"

"I never said it was sweet!"

"You so did!"

"Did not! I never said those words!"

It just occurred that Tsunade must have been drinking Sake. I shook my head and continued.

"Anyway, _please come._"

"Why?"

"Look, just please?"

Tsunade sighed on the other end.

"Oh I don't see why not. I guess it's better at your place than in this stuffy little office with Jiraiya planted at the window checking out every bimbo in the street and Orochimaru writing a poem about the prevention of shark-killing and the Do's and Don'ts about having a pet shark."

I stared blankly at the phone again.

"Have they had too much Sake?"

Tsunade laughed.

"No, I have," she confessed.

"I can tell." Before she could screech at me I spoke again.

"Anyway, please hurry. He's still suffering from mental shock but he's willing to kill."

"Ooh, I haven't seen Itachi in a while. Well then, I'll just prise Jiraiya off the window so he doesn't scare off all our female customers and bribe Orochimaru with heaps of paper to finish his poem so he can lay off my computer. Well then, see ya, Coming round soon."

And she hung up.

I stared at the phone desperately. It seemed like Tsunade was my only link to civilisation. Here, Itachi was trying to kill me for

cutting his specially shampooed hair off and giving him a makeover, squashing him under a wheelbarrow, breaking our mother's expensive vase over his head … and meanwhile, in Tsunade's office, Jiraiya was apparently perving again and Orochimaru was…_he was what?_

Just then I heard a scuffle at the door of the study. I immediately threw myself behind the artist's chair and looked frantically around. I picked up the only thing I could find for self defence – a large, white, slim, stiff paintbrush, which I held in front of me like a sword.

Some sword, especially when Itachi entered with a hunting knife.

"Oh Sasuke!" He called in a singsong voice. " I've got something to show you!"

_Yeah, like hell you have …_

I barely breathed, and he didn't seem to be moving either. I remembered eared how easily he had detected me when I'd tried to creep up on him … _holy crap … now I'm in for it …_

I don't often pray for miracles. But right then, I could have done with one …

_Hurry up Tsunade_, I thought hard. Hurry up and come.

Gosh, where was she when you needed her?

Where was _anyone _when you needed them?

And it hit me.

NARUTO!


End file.
